These last few weeks have been tough for many of us as we dealt with the shock of a U.S. election result we didn’t anticipate. Given the divisiveness of the election, many of us feel disenfranchised, while many others feel finally heard and redeemed. Many of us find ourselves estranged from family, friends or co-workers who are on the other end of the political spectrum. It’s time to figure out where we go from here – especially as many of us in the U.S. gather for Thanksgiving holidays.
As authentic leaders, it is important for us to examine and lead with our values. And it is equally important for us to move forward adaptively with change. Whether in our workplace or in our personal lives, not a day goes by when we’re not confronted with the unexpected or someone who has a different point of view (I say this with humility as the mom of a 17-year old!). So here are five steps I share to practice empathy.
With respect to the election, I believe it’s time for us to regroup: to process our emotion, to examine values important to us, and to also understand the “other”. Because no progress can be made unless we understand and work with the “other”. Desmond Tutu said “If you want peace, you don’t talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.”
My empathy challenge
So, I set myself the challenge of talking to a friend of mine (let’s call her Jane) who unlike me voted for Donald Trump. As she had moved away, we had lost touch. I was surprised in the last few months to notice (from my Facebook feed) that she was a Trump supporter.
Yet, like many of us, I didn’t reach out to understand her point of view. I just assumed she had lost her mind! I decided that if I was going to write about empathy, I needed to practice it in a difficult situation. I learned a tremendous amount during the conversation we had that I share below.
Five Steps to Practice Empathy
1) Make an active decision to see something from another person’s point of view. This is 80% of the work in empathy. Most often we are so blinded by our own strong opinions and our need to be right that we never make this decision. One of the seven practices of authentic leaders that I write about in my book “Wired for Authenticity” is called “Staying Curious”. Staying curious and open is hard to do when we have a strong opinion or our values are in conflict with others’ values. Before I sent a message to Jane I had to commit to letting go of being right and commit staying curious.
2) Become conscious of the filter we’re listening from – Most of our biases are completely unconscious. When we listen to others we don’t realize that we’re listening with judgment. Listen to How You Listen. Our unconscious biases are like the water fish swim in. We don’t see the water because we have never seen anything other than the water. We take our stances on various issues very personally. We make these labels part of our identity. Am I a Democrat or a Republican? Am I pro-Trump or not? Am I pro-choice or anti-abortion?
These identity labels are normal. They make us feel safe because now we belong to a certain “tribe” of believers. In our evolution, belonging to a tribe was very important for our physical safety. Belonging to a “tribe” is also a fundamental human need because it gives us a feeling of connection and community. It is useful until it stops us from being effective because we cannot see the “other’s” point of view. Being able to hold and consider two opposing points of view is a key trait of authentic and inspiring leaders. It allows us to connect with others, help them feel heard and influence them.
We all have biases. A bias is nothing other than our view of the world (which most of us usually assume is the only “correct” way to see the world). As leaders, it is essential that we get aware of our biases. I decided to write down some of the biases I have. This exercise helped me recognize that many of my biases have some unpleasant underbellies. For example, I have a pro-women bias. I believe the world would be a better place if more women are empowered, and there is a fairer distribution of power among genders. This bias prevented me from seeing how many men in the rural communities of our country felt dis-empowered. These men helped elect Donald Trump to power. Our biases act like filters that prevent us from seeing the whole picture clearly. In examining this bias, I also clarified a value that is important to me: the value that all people feel empowered (not just a certain gender or ethnicity).
3) Before getting to the issue, see and affirm the whole human being – This was an easy step for Jane and I. We have been friends. We have laughed together and shared vulnerable moments. As we caught up, I found myself remembering and sharing with her what I respect and admire about her as a person, even before we got into the conversation about our different choices for President. I found myself saying to her “I respect your intellect, your desire to do what’s right, and I want to see what I’m missing”. There was a moment of stunned silence. She said “this is the first time someone is talking to me about the issue without trying to convert me to their point of view.” This practice of affirming the person will help create trust in the conversation because each person has lowered their guard and is willing to listen.
4) Practice active listening and look for common ground – I probably did less than 20% of the talking. I engaged in active listening with Jane. “I’m hearing you say that…”. I affirmed to her what I saw of value in what she was sharing. I found kernels of truth I could agree with and respect: how she dug to understand what was propaganda on both sides, even how she cringed when her candidate said something we both considered irrational. I tried to understand what values were important to her as she made her decision.
I also tried to understand the emotion she was feeling. Our human emotions have the capacity to connect us because we have all felt these emotions – fear, anger, love, sadness, joy, disappointment. They are personal to each of us and yet they are also universal. In the root of the word “empathy”, the “em” means “in” and “path” means “suffering” – empathy is simply feeling the suffering of someone else.
As I brought my curiosity, I found Jane starting to get curious as well. Our brain is wired to be contagious. If we connect with others in an empathetic way, they will likely do the same, creating great space for understanding, influence, and collaboration.
5) Agree on a way forward. Often in business dealings, we need to find a way forward. In this instance we recognized that both candidates are human and therefore flawed. We also recognized that each one of us has a unique perspective and neither is right or wrong. We were able to focus on what’s great about our friendship and to not let our judgment of each other’s choices stand in the way of what we fundamentally value about each other.
Is this too soft for business? It’s what makes the difference in hard negotiations, in business deals, in leading others, in winning big contracts. Dr. Thomas Lewis at his talk at Google explains the neuroscience of empathy.
What’s your empathy challenge? Empathy can be learned by practice. So take up the practice.
If this resonated for you, please comment, and share with others.
A version of this article originally appeared in Smartblogs on Leadership.
