Do you have a difficult work relationship you need to manage? Perhaps a boss? You’ve tried giving feedback but nothing seems to be working. “It takes Two to Tango” we say to ourselves and then expect the other person to meet us halfway to fix the relationship. Well, here’s a radical thought. What if it only took One to Tango? And that One was You? In my coaching work, I often help clients with managing difficult work relationships. Here are 3 practices to think about.
Decide What You Want
I have a client who is a Senior leader in her organization. She doesn’t get along with her boss. There is a long list of differences in styles, values etc. “He’s political, has questionable ethics, not sure if he can be trusted”. When I asked her the simple question “What do you want?”, it stopped her in her tracks. It took the conversation in a different direction from “I’m right, he’s wrong” to what she wanted. It’s an empowering question. Ask yourself that question. Firing the boss was not an option, and getting herself to a different job was not a short-term solution. So what she wanted was to find a better way to work with him.
Shift Mindset – Take Radical Accountability
Usually we expect the other person to meet us halfway. “My boss never makes time on her calendar for me, she must not value me”. Each of us has filters, ways of viewing the world, stories that we make up based on our unique interpretation of events. Here’s how it goes: You leave a message for your boss asking for her help on something. An hour later, you have not heard back and decide the boss is ignoring you. Two hours later, you decide the boss does not like you. At the end of the day, you decide the boss is about to fire you and cannot be trusted. The fact is that the boss hasn’t called you back. Your filter is that you’re not valuable to them. Ask yourself “what are the filters I am using to interpret events”? Take accountability for these filters. Understand them and then decide to change the filter.
When YOUR Mindset shifts so does the Relationship
Once you decide to change the filter, it changes the relationship. What if your filter was: “the boss hasn’t called me back because she has great confidence that I can resolve the issue myself”? Would your attitude toward your boss the next day be a bit different vs. the prior filter? When you go in with a much more open attitude (vs. a judging and defensive attitude), the energy in the relationship shifts. At one point in my career, I had a “difficult boss” I was working with. I would have a knot in the stomach every time I would meet with her. I am sure my defensiveness was palpable to her as well and that prevented mutual trust. So ask yourself the question, “what kind of filter will I need to get what I want” and then go get it.
Let me know what you think. Radical Accountability is difficult to implement, but it works. All that is required is your willingness to manage YOU (and yes, if I can say so myself, an Exec Coach helps!) How has this approach worked for you?
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I am pastor of a church. There is a powerful well beloved long term secretary who does not have the skills to do her job nor it seems the ability to gain them. Lack of necessary confidentiality and reliability, and passive aggressiveness are the biggest issues. I inherited her from the previous pastor who found it easier just to do her job, and I mean all of it. The HR committee has been working with me but has been afraid to take action due to repercussions in the church. (the secretary is a long term church member.) if I “fire her” it would most likely place me in the position of a sacrificial lamb. where is my power? How do I use it?
Thank you for your thoughtful question. You have great power once you accept 100% accountability for both your relationship with the secretary as well as your responsibility to the church for a job well done.
The place to start is in engaging in a dialogue with her about what’s behind her “inability to do her job” without labelling her. The place of power starts with full acceptance of the person where they are. I believe all human beings have a great desire to make a contribution and if this is the place you come from with her, then it will be easier for her to open up to you about what’s standing in the way for her to do her job. You have to be willing to see the greatness in another in order for them to be open to letting you in. Good luck and let me know how it goes.